Blogging has always been a wonderful hobby. It has allowed me to express my feelings and emotions for the world to hear and because anyone who reads my blog is actually taking the time to hear my long stories and opinions of myself and others. 

I began this blog a while after I started my first blog, Audlife. See, I originally was expressing opinions and experiences in my first blog. That was fine. The thing is, my family often tunes into Audlife. Not just my inner family, but also my entire family.

This was fine– until I began having experiences I did not want them to know about. I began TrueAudlife (aka: the mostly negative but not emo blog) so that I could express these opinions to the people who are ALLOWED to hear this shit. 

However, I have begun to suspect that one of my family members somehow found this blog. I am unsure how, but they tried to talk to me about peer pressure and drugs and alcohol heart to heart. This was right after the post “Peer Pressure”. I figured out that they knew too much.

This may have been coincidental, but I am afraid to write, so I am announcing that I am changing my blog. 

This seems to fit well, for ever since that experience at camp that I wrote about, life is different. I have knew things to be depressed and ecstatic about. I will now be sharing them in a new blog.

For those loyal followers who wish to hear more, email me and ask for the new url. Marie, I will email it straight to you because I know that you read this. Email me at: normalteen16@aol.com

This is not my usual email, I will be closing it in a little while, but let me know your email and I will message you the new url. 

As for that certain person, please don’t go after this. I know your not a sneak and trying to spy on me, but please, let me continue to feel safe that my new blog will not be looked at by you. This is my life, and I do not wish for you to supervise it.

Love,

Audrey

“Well, if I see Becky, (dumb hot blonde) thats a piece of ass. But when I see Audrey, I see someone who I can relate to and have a conversation with. For any guy, thats a relationship – or both.”

Being uncool can mean a lot of things. Being uncool is be cruel or mean to another person. It is stupidity. Doing something uncool is to do something that does not resemble you. I have learned that standing up for myself is not an uncool thing. It is an attractive cool thing. It is something to be proud of. I hate to say I am proud, but I will say it. I am proud to have to ability to stand up for myself.

I never thought about it as being so true and to the point.

See I have been working at a Youth sailing class as shore support. After the class was over I got a ride with two of the instructors and the last one was in the car behind us with the other assistant. They were gonna drop me off then keep going.

When they got to my house I got out and one of the guys was like “Dude! Can we party in your house” Jokingly. I thought he was kidding. I was like, “You can chill for a sec my parents aren’t home.”

But he got them all back, and they came in and he had a box, which when opened reveled a case of beer. I immediately was like, “No way man not here. My parents aren’t stupid they will figure it out.”

Just like a movie, or a skit in school, he said, “Aww come on! We’ll clean it all up and ur parents will never know!” and he tried to hand me a beer. 

I told him we had had a misunderstanding, because I wasn’t sure when they would be back, and it could be soon. He was good enough to say “oh ok. Funs over” and pack up and they all left. 

They walked out, then I found a walkie that they had left. I walkied to them that they had left it. The guy turned back, (No one had left the driveway yet) and amazingly, my mom pulled up right then.

It was amazing to me how close I came today. I could have said fine. My parents would have found me with beer and four guys 3 of which were 18. If they hadn’t come home, who knows what could have gone down.

It wasn’t that hard. It hurt, and I knew I was damaging my friendship with the guys a little but it wasn’t that hard to say. My gut just told me no. It didn’t take “being smart” or “knowing important stuff”. Just a gut feeling.

What amazes me is how its just like the movies and what they tell you in school.

See, at camp, there is a spiritual place called the labyrinth, the groups of campers go one night along with the counselors and teen staff (I was teen staff). Here is a diary entry from the next day, of me thinking back on the experience:

It’s Sunday and again I am on crossing guard, it seems to be the only time I get to write. Last night, my Tipi [Group of campers who sleep in a Tipi] went to the Labyrinth. The Labyrinth is one of the most amazing places. 

Wavy [Wavy Gravy] will always say, the God or mother earth is here, you can feel her energy within you. Close your eyes, if you have problems or prayers, you may share them with her. She will accept you with open arms.

At that moment I was not resisting my deepest feelings or thoughts. Everything came, and in my mind, I shared it all to her. I told her everything about this horrible year. I told her about school, and high school and all the new people. I told her about leaving my peninsula family behind and how they are now slowly falling apart. I told her even more, but I don’t remember, it all just came. I remember calling out about how she could possibly listen, and how her energy could be giving me so much love when my problems were nothing, because somewhere someone else had it worse. 

I was crying. Sobbing. I continued to sob all the way back to the Tipi and longer. That night Erica [co teen staff] held me as I cried and cried and cried. For so long I have wanted someone to hold me like that. Erica did. 

Later that night I spoke to that God or mother again. I conversed, I thanked her for listening to my small problems. For the love and attention she gave me in that moment that I really truly needed. I felt love for her, and I felt her love coursing through me. I vowed to take care of this earth I love. She is here for me, I must be there for her. 

You know what I found truly amazing? I have not thought of Sam once, for a whole week! I must really be over him. There is no love or pain for me when I think of him. I also said nothing about him at the Labyrinth. He just wasn’t that important. 

This experience has kept me lighter. This wole year I hae not really been able to talk about this without shame, even talk about it at all. I just had no one o dump on. So when I got to the labyrinth, everything just hit me. About school, Papa Tony, whatever. The fact that I am over Sam is the best.  I used to want to talk to him all the time, and have a lot of pain, but that is gone. In a later diary entry I wrote:

“I have noticed how many things that used to matter to me so much , don’t anymore. And the things that I used to take for granted such as food, energy and my right to movement and oxygen, seem the most important things in the world.”

I feel like a new person. That chapter of my depressing year is gone. Over. Maybe sadness will visit me again, but for now I am happy.

I talked to him on facebook, he goes to my school and is in my grade. I got to know him over text and phone, and he turned out to be exactly the guy I like. The one I want to date. He’s taller than me, strong, sporty, attractive, has a low voice, bright blue eyes, good sense of style, protective, sensitive, deep, talkative, good self assurance, ALMOST fearless…(not quite)

So it seemed like he was flirting with me as much as I flirted with him, so I made sure he knew I liked him. But sadly, I was only rejected because he is “head over heels” for this other girl I’ll call “Kimberly”. Kim is small, skinnier than me, has good size breasts, bright blue eyes, is sporty and blonde. The perfect girl for the perfect guy I guess. So oh well, I hoped I could stay friends with him

So I did, I stayed friends and we still talk on the phone un-awkwardly.

But you know what bugs me? He goes and makes out with random girls, and there is this girl he told me about a while ago that asked him out, and he decided to say yes!

It kind of hurts to know that he has no interest in me. He talks to me while I curse myself for again picking up the phone and talking for hours with him when I could be doing something better. He fucking pisses me off!!!!!!!!! Over and over again I deal with this.

I guess I just gotta find another guy to like, but Sam is so damn perfect it will be hard.

It’s kind of sad because I really wanted to be senator, and I just wasn’t cool enough, i didn’t have enough friends.  However I have way more leadership skills than the girl who beat me. She just got elected because a lot of people know and like her. 

I hate popularity contests. They are unfair and always hurt people.

I am still cool to her because she is still a person. She wanted it to and I know she would have been just as sad if she didn’t win. 

yuck , popularity contests.

I was having trouble with this guy at school, “Max” who was calling me “Betty Crocker” every day during PE, and it was really humiliating. His friends were joining in, and it was hard. I wrote to Dear Abby for help, and she sent me a personal letter back. 

She told me that “Max” and his friends teased me because they could get “a rise” out of me. She said they may feel superior when they hurt others, but deep down, it’s an act. She told me to ignore them, and if things got worse, talk to an adult for help. Then she said to hold my head high and smile, because they can’t hurt me unless I let them.

She was so right, it was really good advice. It is what anyone would have told me to do about it, but she said it better. She began by telling me why they were teasing me, and what it’s like “in their shoes” as Atticus in To Kill A Mocking Bird puts it. Then, she told me what I needed to do, which, deep daown I knew, but I needed to hear it.

I really understand what it means to give good advice now. Good advice is not what the other person wants to hear, but what they need to hear. When one gives advice, one must help the person to better understand the situation then give the advice, whether it is obvious or not.  

Well I just had my first day of school after break. It was pretty yucky. Normally after a vacation I am happy to be back at school to see my friends. This morning, however, I found that I walked onto the campus, and immediately wanted to leave. All I had was school to study, friends are not anything I care about there, I don’t have any really good ones. 

I have started a cool new thing where at lunch I go to the gym and choreograph dances. It is so cool, I get all that time away from the annoying people at my school, doing what I love most!!!

Before I would just try to find whatever I could to take up my lunchtime. GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) has been cool, but our president is kind of like a dictator there. I don’t like the meetings as much there anymore because it is all news about what the officers are doing with the club. I think that the members should be more involved in decision making. I have started going only on Tuesdays. I am the ASC Rep, but thats not really an officer. I just go to the student council meetings and all the GSA meetings. I count as an officer, but I don’t do anything. I just go to the officers meetings, sign in, and leave. I could be dancing instead.

Maybe I’ll run for president next year.