Closing a Chapter

Blogging has always been a wonderful hobby. It has allowed me to express my feelings and emotions for the world to hear and because anyone who reads my blog is actually taking the time to hear my long stories and opinions of myself and others. 

I began this blog a while after I started my first blog, Audlife. See, I originally was expressing opinions and experiences in my first blog. That was fine. The thing is, my family often tunes into Audlife. Not just my inner family, but also my entire family.

This was fine– until I began having experiences I did not want them to know about. I began TrueAudlife (aka: the mostly negative but not emo blog) so that I could express these opinions to the people who are ALLOWED to hear this shit. 

However, I have begun to suspect that one of my family members somehow found this blog. I am unsure how, but they tried to talk to me about peer pressure and drugs and alcohol heart to heart. This was right after the post “Peer Pressure”. I figured out that they knew too much.

This may have been coincidental, but I am afraid to write, so I am announcing that I am changing my blog. 

This seems to fit well, for ever since that experience at camp that I wrote about, life is different. I have knew things to be depressed and ecstatic about. I will now be sharing them in a new blog.

For those loyal followers who wish to hear more, email me and ask for the new url. Marie, I will email it straight to you because I know that you read this. Email me at: normalteen16@aol.com

This is not my usual email, I will be closing it in a little while, but let me know your email and I will message you the new url. 

As for that certain person, please don’t go after this. I know your not a sneak and trying to spy on me, but please, let me continue to feel safe that my new blog will not be looked at by you. This is my life, and I do not wish for you to supervise it.

Love,

Audrey

Piece of Ass vs. Relationship

The scariest thing about guys for me is wondering whether I’m just a piece of ass or someone they actually like. I always have a hard time. But I was talking to this really sweet guy and we had this conversation where we asked each other random questions completely out of the ordinary. One if my questions was about the piece of ass vs. relationship thing. He said prolly the perfect thing:

“Well, if I see Becky, (dumb hot blonde) thats a piece of ass. But when I see Audrey, I see someone who I can relate to and have a conversation with. For any guy, thats a relationship – or both.”

“Just saying no” isn’t a bad thing, even to those who you have to say no to.

I thought I should write, that my friendship with the guy from the previous post was not damaged. That night, he apologized over facebook. Instead of thinking I was “uncool” as most people would think, I think he respected me for saying no to him. We still talk and AIM. We’re friends. 

Being uncool can mean a lot of things. Being uncool is be cruel or mean to another person. It is stupidity. Doing something uncool is to do something that does not resemble you. I have learned that standing up for myself is not an uncool thing. It is an attractive cool thing. It is something to be proud of. I hate to say I am proud, but I will say it. I am proud to have to ability to stand up for myself.

Peer Pressure

In the life of a teenager we are told that there will be many times that we will be pressured to do things. We are given examples of a sentence like, “Just try it” “Have some, come on its not bad!”. Etc. 

I never thought about it as being so true and to the point.

See I have been working at a Youth sailing class as shore support. After the class was over I got a ride with two of the instructors and the last one was in the car behind us with the other assistant. They were gonna drop me off then keep going.

When they got to my house I got out and one of the guys was like “Dude! Can we party in your house” Jokingly. I thought he was kidding. I was like, “You can chill for a sec my parents aren’t home.”

But he got them all back, and they came in and he had a box, which when opened reveled a case of beer. I immediately was like, “No way man not here. My parents aren’t stupid they will figure it out.”

Just like a movie, or a skit in school, he said, “Aww come on! We’ll clean it all up and ur parents will never know!” and he tried to hand me a beer. 

I told him we had had a misunderstanding, because I wasn’t sure when they would be back, and it could be soon. He was good enough to say “oh ok. Funs over” and pack up and they all left. 

They walked out, then I found a walkie that they had left. I walkied to them that they had left it. The guy turned back, (No one had left the driveway yet) and amazingly, my mom pulled up right then.

It was amazing to me how close I came today. I could have said fine. My parents would have found me with beer and four guys 3 of which were 18. If they hadn’t come home, who knows what could have gone down.

It wasn’t that hard. It hurt, and I knew I was damaging my friendship with the guys a little but it wasn’t that hard to say. My gut just told me no. It didn’t take “being smart” or “knowing important stuff”. Just a gut feeling.

What amazes me is how its just like the movies and what they tell you in school.

A Diary Entry about the Labyrinth

I have just come home from Camp Winnarainbow, a wonderful place. I am recharged and happy. The best part is, my soul has been emptied of a lot of things, and suddenly I am light. 

See, at camp, there is a spiritual place called the labyrinth, the groups of campers go one night along with the counselors and teen staff (I was teen staff). Here is a diary entry from the next day, of me thinking back on the experience:

 

It’s Sunday and again I am on crossing guard, it seems to be the only time I get to write. Last night, my Tipi [Group of campers who sleep in a Tipi] went to the Labyrinth. The Labyrinth is one of the most amazing places. 

Wavy [Wavy Gravy] will always say, the God or mother earth is here, you can feel her energy within you. Close your eyes, if you have problems or prayers, you may share them with her. She will accept you with open arms.

At that moment I was not resisting my deepest feelings or thoughts. Everything came, and in my mind, I shared it all to her. I told her everything about this horrible year. I told her about school, and high school and all the new people. I told her about leaving my peninsula family behind and how they are now slowly falling apart. I told her even more, but I don’t remember, it all just came. I remember calling out about how she could possibly listen, and how her energy could be giving me so much love when my problems were nothing, because somewhere someone else had it worse. 

I was crying. Sobbing. I continued to sob all the way back to the Tipi and longer. That night Erica [co teen staff] held me as I cried and cried and cried. For so long I have wanted someone to hold me like that. Erica did. 

Later that night I spoke to that God or mother again. I conversed, I thanked her for listening to my small problems. For the love and attention she gave me in that moment that I really truly needed. I felt love for her, and I felt her love coursing through me. I vowed to take care of this earth I love. She is here for me, I must be there for her. 

You know what I found truly amazing? I have not thought of Sam once, for a whole week! I must really be over him. There is no love or pain for me when I think of him. I also said nothing about him at the Labyrinth. He just wasn’t that important. 

This experience has kept me lighter. This wole year I hae not really been able to talk about this without shame, even talk about it at all. I just had no one o dump on. So when I got to the labyrinth, everything just hit me. About school, Papa Tony, whatever. The fact that I am over Sam is the best.  I used to want to talk to him all the time, and have a lot of pain, but that is gone. In a later diary entry I wrote:

“I have noticed how many things that used to matter to me so much , don’t anymore. And the things that I used to take for granted such as food, energy and my right to movement and oxygen, seem the most important things in the world.”

I feel like a new person. That chapter of my depressing year is gone. Over. Maybe sadness will visit me again, but for now I am happy.